I don't know if what I'm feeling is unusual or not...I have the sense that I am not really connected to anyone a lot of the time, not because I don't have friends, but because they are far away and living different lives that don't involve me much anymore. I went to a bar for a drink tonight and read the paper and just enjoyed being around people. I chatted with the guy beside me, who had the most beautiful long black hair. It was nice to talk to him and the bartender and just feel like someone was interested in me in a friendly way. It seems like the older I get the harder it is to meet new people I feel I have much in common with, much less people who have time for new friendships. It's disappointing too to be reminded every day that I live with my parents that I don't share many of their values or interests. I'm not really bitter so much as just tired. Tired of reading books and living vicariously through films and taking myself to the movies. Some days I don't mind, or I pretend not to, but lately I do. I wind up doing weird things that help distract me-like doodling on my thighs, or writing rambling story lines for stories I don't really care about writing right now. I think about how I'm a sexual being and how sometimes I just want to touch and kiss a guy, not just any guy, but a guy whose mind I am interested in as much as his body. I try to make up songs as I drive, or drive down streets I've never been down and sometimes it helps. I imagine what life would be like if I had gone to a different college, had a different major, had learned sooner how to stop worrying about what people I don't even like think of me. I just know life isn't meant to be lived alone but I don't know what to do differently.

venting

Well crap...It's 3 in the morning and I want to go to sleep but I can't. I've been making a long to-do list of things I need to be doing and it's kind of overwhelming.

I'm glad that I'm not angry like I used to be...I feel much more relaxed and at peace with myself, even though there are plenty of things that still make me mad and sad about in the world, like all the narrow minded bigots I read about in the news who seem terrified that America is going to hell in a hand basket because of immigrants and Obama. I know that some of them are malicious bullies but alot of them are probably just ignorant and react to things out of fear. Which seems pretty sad to me. IF only people were better educated? I don't know if that would help or not-some people seem pretty smart and well educated but are still mean, selfish jackasses.

I feel kind of ok about being here in Comanche for now...Things are just pretty easy-I have things to keep me busy and things I'm working towards, (like getting a freaking job) but I also feel like I'm kind of ignoring some things I need to think about like whether to go back to school, or whether to get more serious about writing. I used to feel pretty ambitious, but now I just feel like being a happy and productive member of society is enough. I don't have to be published or feel like I'm the smartest or the prettiest or whatever. It feels good to know that I don't have to be perfect and that it isn't my job to solve all the world's problems. For a recovering perfectionist like me, that is progress I think. I just want to stay near that fine line between contentment and complacency. I don't want to be lazy. I just want to make small choices everyday that help make things better for myself, the people I live near and the world as a whole, and hopefully if everyone does that, more good things than bad will happen.

Anyway....
this is a very personal blog post and it's weird because I don't know if anyone reads it or what random people might, but somehow it feels good to write knowing that someone COULD read it. I just feel the need to vent or throw up all over the page so to speak, to feel better. It feels good sometimes.... :)

THings I've been loving lately:
-Organizing my parents' kitchen so I can find stuff and cook more, and looking up recipes I want to make. Food makes me happy-the colors, the smells, the sensual aspect of cooking and presentation and eating...it's so satisfying. I love the movie Chocolat and the book Like Water for Chocolate because of the way they present food.
-FInding pretty new clothes on sale...I love color and texture and the way a new shirt can make me feel pretty and sometimes that makes even a mundane day better for me...if I feel attractive and put together with not too much effort. I don't know if everyone needs that or mainly women or what, but it helps me a lot.
-I've been making an actual list of things I'd love to do someday...some of the things I can't do right now because I don't have the time, money or opportunity, but it's nice to think that someday I will be able to. Things like take a horse for a full gallop, and learn some French and Vietnamese and relearn all the Spanish I've forgotten. I want to shoot a pistol, build some of my own furniture, learn to fly a small plane, finally learn to dive gracefully, run at least a half marathon, improve my tennis and golf skills and my sewing, knitting, painting and writing, and maybe start playing the piano again. I want to have a flower and vegetable garden, and cook using more natural foods. I feel like there are so many things I want to get better at, and I don't have nearly enough time or money to invest in all these things. Oh well. I guess that is part of the fun of getting older...
-books that let me travel to other places since I can't really afford to actually go on any trips right now. I'm thankful for movies and books and music that let me learn about other cultures and places that someday I will visit.
-my cat, (even though she tried to pee on my bed) mainly because she snuggles with me in bed and that is really nice. It's not quite as good as snuggling with a person, but having an affectionate cat like Kiera to pet is great!
-A change of scenery does wonders for me when I'm having a bad day...I went to Stephenville the other night and got a latte, found some soft pretty shirts on sale, and browsed magazines at Hastings. I also thought about slipping this explicit erotica book in with the large print books because it cracked me up to imagine a little old lady finding it and skimming through it.
For a night by myself, it was a fun one.

Here are some things I've been thinking about lately:
-Mickey Rourke 's persona in Iron Man and The Expendables. I can't decide if he's a actually a good actor, but I sure like his face. He seems so cool with his pipe and tattoos and little glasses.
-I've been wondering if most people's thoughts are somewhat structured or just totally random....Do you have to practice to get a more organized mind? And does everyone get creative thoughts when they lay down at night? It seems like as I lay trying to go to sleep is when I have all these thoughts of things I want to do or write or think about or weird little phrases I think are clever.
-Is art just an expression of neurosis? I heard one artist say that and I still wonder about that. I guess people have different reasons for why they paint or make music or act or whatever. It just seems like as a culture since we have more time for leisure we will naturally have more art and music and it gets complicated (to me) to figure out whether to spend energy taking in/enjoying the things other people have created or spending more time trying to create things myself.

And here are some good things I've been enjoying that you might like too:
-Martin Puryear's art
-new Futurama episodes online
-This kind of High Fructose isn't bad for you.
-Julie Morstad's drawings
-"The Girl who kicked the hornet's nest" It's not one of my all time favorites, but these books have been pretty interesting so far.
-Window shopping
-This site, Artessen, that has lots of pretty pictures

Thanks for reading and if I could reach through the computer I'd give you a grilled cheese sandwich, a glass of iced tea and a hug, just because. Aww.

While August yet wears her golden crown

It's probably the hottest month here in Texas and it's the time of year I start to look forward to fall days that are crisp and cool.

Here are some things I've been thinking about/enjoying:
1. Recycling. I've been organizing my parents' house for them while I'm job hunting, and there is a pile of stuff I need to get rid of, but I don't want to just throw away. I had to hunt around on the internet to find out how to recycle some stuff, so I thought I'd share what I found.
Earth911, Consumer Recycling Guide, and the TX Commission on Environmental Quality were all good sites that you can get more info about how to recycle lots of stuff. You can take lots of stuff to Goodwill of course but they want things that are in working order and just throw away stuff that isn't working. Things that don't work can be recycled too though. I called a vacuum repair shop to ask if they wanted my old non-working vacuum for parts and he said to bring it by. You can drop off lots of old electronics at repair shops or even Best Buy. Home Depot takes old flourescent bulbs. The only thing I couldn't figure out how to recycle was an old porcelain toilet my parents replaced. My Dad wanted to use it as a planter but I said no!

2. I went to see "The Expendables" and I enjoyed it. It had some dumb lines, but it was action packed and had Jason Statham kicking bad guy butt so it was fun. I also went to see "The Other Guys" with Will Ferrell and I think I laughed a lot but it kind of wore me out. It was manic humor and that gets old. I would like to read more about humor and why certain things are funny to certain people. It just seems like what we laugh at is a reflection of ourselves and who we will like to hang out with. On random dates I've been on, or in friendships, I've noticed that if I have a really different sense of humor than the other person, we just don't connect as well. I don't know if it's fair to judge like this, but I think you can tell a lot about someone by what they laugh at, and movies can be a big part of that. If you can laugh at a lot of the same things, friendships are so much easier!
3. I've been reading a great book that I found randomly at Half Price Books. It's "Gentlemen of the Road" by Michael Chabon. If you like adventure and swashbuckling, you'll probably like this.
4. Did anyone see that new Levi's commercial? You can find it and some thoughts about it here.
5. I can't wait for my brain to see some action! I want to take basic accounting, chemistry, Spanish, and metal working but I guess I need a job first so I can pay for it all. :(

Take it easy friends.

Summertime and the living is easy

Things I've enjoyed/thought about lately:

1. Went to see "Inception" a few days ago-not THE best movie ever, but still fun to try to figure out and good acting. I like Ellen Page and can't wait to see more from her.
2. "Despicable Me"-my friend Chris and I saw this and laughed out loud so much it was kind of tiring. It was kind of short on character development but all in all it's a very fun movie. It's kind of like eating a big cupcake with lots of frosting-it's nice when you enjoy it in moderation.
3. a pretty new purse, paid for with my reward money from work.
4. a soft new towel! It's light blue and fluffy like a cloud. :)
Sometimes I worry that I like stuff too much. I think about what I would do if I lost everything in a fire or had to sell all my stuff and it makes me sad, which is kind of sad in itself. But should we try to deny our desire for things that appease/appeal to the senses? I don't necessarily think so. I tend to think that we should just show restraint in those desires. But I guess there is a difference between appreciating "stuff" and being so focused on acquiring things that we ignore other things that need our energy and attention more. Maybe that is easier for some people than others.
5. I saw a trailer for "The Social Network" with Jesse Eisenberg. I really like that guy. I also loved the choice of song for the trailer: "Creep" sung by a Scala, this Swedish? choir. Good stuff.
7. Through Youtube I found this violinist named Paul Dateh,.. I like this hip-hop violin sound.
8. I like my parents. I like that my mom knows all the ladies in her office's birthdays and that my dad knows the names of constellations in the sky, and that they notice things like what plants are in bloom around town. I like that they consider seeing a hawk or an owl an interesting occurrence worth sharing with me and that they bring me watermelon and peaches as gifts. I'm just thankful for them.
9. I'm about to re-read Rich Mullin's biography. Knowing that people like him have been/are in the world comforts me.
10. I'm thankful for summer! I'll end this post by sharing this quote about summer from John Lubbock: "Rest is not idleness, and to lie sometimes on the grass on a summer day listening to the murmur of water, or watching the clouds float across the sky, is hardly a waste of time."
Here are some more summer quotes for you to peruse.

Things I've liked lately:

-The Simpsons-I can relate to Marge and Lisa and Ms. Crabapple and yes, the cat lady. And sometimes Grandpa Simpson. Haha.
-Willa Cather's "Death Comes for the Archbishop"-I love most literature set in the southwest and Cather is lyrical without being pretentious. And I like stories about good priests, maybe because I admire their stoicism and ascetic lifestyle.
-Lev Grossman's "The Magicians"-If you ever wish that magic was real and that you could really find your way to Narnia you'll like this book. I don't know the next book in the series is out yet but I want to get it.
-KXT 91.7 for letting me hear good good music from old and new artists alike. I love hearing new voices and ideas and songs that aren't dumb or crude or totally cliche.
-Psychology Today-for being interesting and positive
-action movies!!! They make me hyper!
-the movie theater-it's like church for me...I love the whole experience of going-the anticipation, the dark theater, the total break from reality, the emotional reaction to the story...
-reading about my great aunt's son's wildlife center in Arkansas...He "rehabilitates" animals to be released back into the wild and he is a trained falconer and honorary member of some Indian tribe because he rehabed one of their bald eagles...he just seems like a real-life Grizzly Adams and I want to go visit his "zoo" and see his animals....
-realizing all the time that I'm thankful to be alive and to be learning and growing everyday.

Do you ever wish you could wear about half a dozen different hats instead of having just one career? If I had endless resources of money and time and energy I would like to: get a degree in environmental studies/ecology/resource management, attend the Iowa Writer's Workshop, own my own little boutique, be an artisan and learn to weave and do metal work, etc. etc.

hi again

I've missed you, blogging friends, and I've missed having a little space to do what I enjoy doing-writing, thinking, and sharing good things.
My only excuse is that I was lured away by the games at the AARP website, and by the free episodes of all 20 seasons of the Simpsons online. :) Oh Simpsons, I enjoy your donut-fueled antics and memorable quotes!


On a more serious note-sometimes I get frustrated because it seems like many things worth having are in short supply-friendships, creative opportunities, a job that pays decently, etc... I can easily slip into a negative mode of thinking that these are things I have to compete with other people for, and I don't want to live like that. If God sees "every sparrow" that falls, then surely I can trust that what I need will be provided at the right time. Sometimes I get worried or jealous or angry that I don't have something that someone else does, but I want to practice letting go of that fear and anger and replace it with the knowledge that God has already blessed me in many ways, and that there is no need to fear that I'm being shortchanged. This is starting to sound like "Chicken Soup for the Soul." Haha. I'm just grateful that my overall outlook is much better than it was even 4 months ago. It's horrible to feel depressed and anxious and despairing and know that a lot of it is your own fault, but not know how to get out of it, and it's wonderful to be able to look back and see how much better I feel now, and feel grateful for that.

Here are some things I've been enjoying lately:

1. eating my roommate's animal crackers in bed.
2. playing mah jong and spider solitaire and boggle online
3. the onion and squash stir fry I ate for dinner
4. mowing the lawn
5. lolcats because I don't have cats of my own to moon over
6. going to see 2 movies back to back one night by myself-it was like a mini-vacation (Iron Man-with Mickey Rourke as an AWESOME bad guy, and Robert Downey Jr as his usual witty self, and the Prince of Persia with Jake Gyllenhal as eye candy)
7. new shampoo and body wash that smell great and have no sulfates
8. discovering new crafts that use old plastic bottles
9. talking to my mom on our lunch breaks
10. working at the mall and getting to be around a lot of people
11. thinking about getting a violin, and making a list of songs I want to learn to play
12. knowing that not everyone is going to like me/understand me, but also knowing that I am free to let those relationships go so that I can put my energy into relationships with people who DO like me. Sometimes it bothers me (alot!) when people aren't open with me or when they don't make an effort to be friends, but really, I have to accept that instead of trying to change them. That is a huge mistake I've made in the past-expending energy to try to make people be my friends, when that is silly. You can't make someone else DO anything! All you/I can do it accept it, let it go and focus on the people who ARE open to us.
13. realizing that I really like life and that I'd be grateful for the time I've had if I died today
14. 70's classic rock and KXT public radio. Except for the crazy poetry spoken over jazz tunes....there is just no excuse for combining the two.
15. summer blockbusters
16. Rosa's mexican rice and beans
17. how awesome my mom and dad are... my dad can run 2 six minute miles back to back, reads the encyclopedia for fun, and was locked in the Kremlin once. My mom can draw your blood, defends us against rattlesnakes and possums, and can cook anything.
18. summer!!!

Make a hummingbird feeder

I plan to make one of these for my Dad's birthday, but I got the idea from this interesting blog called Tug at Nature. It has lots of neat nature/science stuff. All you need is a glass bottle, a wire hanger and some tools and you're all set to make a cheap hummingbird feeder .


picture courtesy of Birds and Blooms magazine

Weird Friday

Maybe I'm not disciplined enough to post everyday like I thought. But I'm going to try.

This will be a combination of Healthy Happy Wednesday and Question Thursday.
In honor of HHW, I suggest you eat about every 4 hours, don't drink anything but water or tea, and eat at least 2 veggies or fruits and some protein. That's my goal for tomorrow.

And my question for you to think about is: what can you do today to connect with someone in a meaningful way (excluding texting, emailing, and facebooking)?

And here's a picture I thought was great. I'd like to be in that car right now, looking at the big Mitten!

Thumbs Up Tuesday!

Today I cried about 4 different times, then broke down and got an ice cream cone at Braums and went for a drive around the lake. I feel better. Just thought you should know. Oh, and I am now qualified to teach 4-12th English! Yay! Someone give me a job please!

Today is Thumbs Up Tuesday, though I'm aware I skipped Make Something Monday. As soon as I make what I want to post about I'll do it.

Let's get the bad news over with first. Here are some things I have been DIS-liking, and no, this is not an exhaustive list. If something near and dear to your heart is on the list, let me know why you disagree! But I probably still won't like whatever it is! :)

DIS-like
celery
chick lit-unless it's historical fiction chick lit...then I may like it :)
snobs
Robot chicken
hating Obama's health care plan without knowing anything about it
Saved by the Bell-ugh, the clothes!
HD radio that comes from somewhere on the East Coast
the movie Airplane
playing the stock market instead of having a real job
Zooey Deschanel's speaking voice and singing voice-it sounds contrived...unnatural? I don't know, just not for me I guess.
500 Days of Summer
bedazzled purses, shoes, etc. (especially if worn by females over 12)
Maxim and their "how to cheat" cover story (but just Maxim in general)
Dinosaur Comics
twitter
Lady Gaga (though I do like her clothes)
labels on my clothes (including Chanel, Luis Vuitton, what-have-you)
Stephen King's books
Cosmo
jealousy

Ok, on to the FUN list! The LIKE list!
massages
carrots
Ryan Bingham
Cat Power
researching Obama's health care plan and coming up with a rational opinion
openness/friendliness
King of the Hill
Forever 21/Target/Dillards on sale
hedgehogs
forgiveness
Kate Miller-Heidke-recommended by Ben Folds as well as by me!
valuing hard work
whimsy
Calvin and Hobbes
Panera Bread (or copying their recipes at home)
Esquire-(as opposed to Maxim) and why shouldn't people occasionally read something targeted to the opposite gender? It grows your mind.
Family Matters
Deviant Art.com
Bust/Venus
public radio that comes from my local community
admiration
The Middle East "Blood"

And this concludes my thumbs down/thumbs up litany.

Oh and here is a gratuitous cute picture from deshow.net

Saturday night's alright

I've been in a slump :(. I'm sure most of you can relate! Little things that annoy, hurt, and exhaust me stack up and then tonight I wind up sitting at a friend's wedding feeling very isolated from people. So I left early. But I'm soothing my senses now with Grizzly Bear, Horsefeathers, Massive Attack, and Sarah Jaffe. Sarah is this singer I've heard a lot about lately...and I kind of dismissed her because she is younger than me, and sometimes nothing annoys me more than someone younger than me who is doing something I'd love to be doing myself. But I swallowed my jealousy and actually listened to her music and I like her voice, her music, and what lyrics I have paid attention to. Much success to you young lady. I have a green apple lollipop in my mouth and I am feeling mellower now and about four books are softly calling me to my comfy bed.


Pic is from http://weheartit.com/

Free Friday!

I went to Goodwill today and I found this fun Yellowstone park plate for a dollar. If YOU want it, let me know and I'll send it off. I want Friday to be sometimes Free Friday, and sometimes Fun Times Friday.

Today I went to the animal shelter to play with kitties, had a hamburger at Kincaid's and browsed Goodwill so I really don't have anything to complain about. I also went to see the new Robin Hood movie with like 20 people I know, and that really made my day just being around them all. The movie was absolutely great the first half, but then I started noticing all the loose plot ends and silly flourishes that kept the movie from being a new favorite. Why can't movie directors and screenwriters just occasionally opt for a more subtle approach and modest scope? Make a movie about Robin Hood or make a movie about the Magna Carta, but don't combine both. And don't have so many plot lines twisting around that you can't give each of them the time they deserve. I don't like it when movies disappoint me. Russell Crowe is a great, believable Robin Hood though. I still think his best movie so far is LA Confidential, and his worst A Beautiful Mind, but not because I don't like him, I just thought the movie was a little too big for its britches. And now I'll stop trying to be Roger Ebert and go to bed.

Cat Thursday

Ok, so here are a few questions for you to think long and hard about, and then share with me and the rest of the blogging world.

1. What were some of your childhood ambitions and have they changed? What do you wish you could do for a living now?
Mine were to be an actress, singer, and missionary. Later I decided I wanted to be a journalist and a writer, and now I want to be a teacher and writer on the side. And I still love to sing and act.

2. Who have you been told you look like?
I've been told I look like my mom, my dad and my aunt. I've also been told that I look like Christina Ricci and this French actress named Anna Karina. Which was flattering.

3. What are you allergic to?
Poison ivy! I have to get a cortisone shot if I get it.

4. If you were Miss America what would your platform be?
Not that I plan on being Miss America, but if I WAS, I would spread the word about the importance of mental health. In my experience it seems like the average person is pretty ignorant about good mental health, and the sad thing is that, according to the National Institute of Mental Health, "An estimated 26.2 percent of Americans ages 18 and older — about one in four adults — suffer from a diagnosable mental disorder in a given year. When applied to the 2004 U.S. Census residential population estimate for ages 18 and older, this figure translates to 57.7 million people." That's alot of people in pain, plus their families and friends (who are sometimes not sure what to do to help). We have sex-ed classes; we should probably have health classes that focus on physical AND mental health and practical tips for kids and young adults, so they can start good habits early. Maybe that would reduce the number of crazy serial killers or at least help people struggling with depression/anxiety/bipolar disorder/etc. know that there are things they can do to take their lives back. This may seem like a downer post, but really I think it's so important that people realize there is help for everything! The problem is that many people keep things like that to themselves and suffer needlessly.

5. Have you ever been in a physical fight?
Only with my younger brother, but those ended when he got taller and stronger than me.

So those are my questions...looking forward to your responses!

And just because I want to post some fun pics, here are some things that cheered me up today: pictures of cats! I'm ridiculously easy to cheer up....I just google cute animals and before I know it I've wasted 2 hours perusing pics of terriers suckling kittens, and pigs and turtles nuzzling. I even found out that in Japan they have "cat cafes" (more like a cat harem) where you pay a few bucks to sit and play with kitties. Brilliant! I wish there was one around here. Anyway, here you go:




My cat Tubby

My parents' cat McKinnley...she doesn't look comfy

Happy Healthy Wednesday

I have decided I want to impose some order on this blog because I feel like it is all over the place. (Which is like real life and thoughts, but we have to impose order on those too sometimes).

So, I've decided that if you read this blog, you can look forward to the following topics/themes each day:

"Make Something Monday" in which you, dear reader, and I will attempt to make something fun or useful, preferably with cheap stuff or things we already have.

"Thumbs Up Tuesday" (or thumbs down) in which I tell you all about art/music/movies/books/etc. that I have personally been enjoying lately (or hating). I would love for you to share comments on things YOU have been enjoying/disliking as well.

"Happy Healthy Wednesday" where I share some ideas and tips and recipes that I've found helpful as I try to be healthier.

"Question Thursday" in which I ask some questions and you answer them. :) It's a way of helping fellow bloggers get to know each other, and who doesn't like to answer questions about themselves? I think this name is kind of dumb, though. Social Hour Thursday? Tea Party Thursday? 20 Questions Thursday? Eh.

and finally, "Fun Times Friday" where I share some fun ideas for your weekend! And I would love to hear your ideas too!

And since today is technically Wednesday, let's get right to some ideas/thoughts about staying healthy in body and spirit.
This has actually been a big concern of mine because a) I've gained weight since college, and never in places I could use some extra fat, b) I've had periods of really low energy since college, and c) I deal with ups and downs from depression and anxiety. Those are my personal reasons for trying to get back in shape and stay as healthy as I can, and I'm sure each of you have your own important reasons. A healthy body and healthy mind go hand in hand of course, so you can't get away with neglecting one or the other! I think many of us know what to do, it's just a matter of getting into healthy habits and avoiding things that we know cause problems for us, like watching tv for four hours, eating fast food too often, or drinking diet coke like it's water. For example, sometimes I skip breakfast because I'm lazy, eat a a fast food lunch, scarf down a huge dinner and then sleep on a full stomach. My mom chided me for this and encouraged me to start eating breakfast. Her great idea was for me to make shakes, and for about 3 months now I have had shakes pretty consistently and they are so easy!


Breakfast Shake
1 banana
4-5 frozen strawberries
about 3/4 cup plain yogurt
a little orange juice or applesauce
I add some liquid fish oil because it's supposed to help stabilize mood and just be good for you in general. Mine tastes lemony.
Blend it up and enjoy! It's really quick and won't give you a sugar high (and slump) like many cereals. You can totally experiment with any variety of fruit . Oatmeal or something with protein, like cheese toast or a scrambled egg with salsa in a tortilla would be good too. Anyone else have a favorite breakfast idea?

As far as a healthy mind goes, I encourage you to write things down throughout the day when you find yourself feeling stressed or upset, or just have a brilliant idea! I take a notebook with me almost everywhere I go and I write down ideas I have, to-do lists, and things I'm worried/upset about. This makes me feel better because I don't worry that I'm going to forget something important, and I know that I can take time later to think through something that's been bothering me instead of worrying about it all through the day.

So, happy, healthy Wednesday to you!

Sunday night

This week I:

1. got very very angry at horror movies and the people who make them. I despise those types of movies. Glorifying human suffering seems evil to me.

2. want to buy a baby duckling off of craigslist and buy a little pool for him/her. I could name a girl duckling Jemima Puddleduck from the Beatrix Potter's stories!


3. want to pick up the bee hive someone is trying to get rid of on craigslist, but I don't think I can raise bees myself without an expensive bee-keeping suit. How awesome would that be to get your own honey out of the back yard?

4. tried to read "Great Expectations" and couldn't muddle through it. I like the story itself but not Dicken's style. I think I give up on Dickens. I've tried to read a couple of other books and they just aren't for me. I do, however, like this book I picked up in Goodwill a week ago: "The Official Preppy Handbook." It's got all kinds of amusing chapters like " Breaking the Rules: The Importance of Getting Kicked Out," and "The Ski Vacation." Here are some of the preferred hobbies for being a preppy: bird watching, boating, COLLECTING (anything expensive), furniture restoring, and shopping. I do remember fondly my penny loafers from 5th grade, and I like polo shirts, but I think I have a lot of work towards becoming a bona-fide prepster.

5. went to see "The Secret of Kells" (which was beautifully drawn!) at the Modern Art Museum and when I walked out, lo and behold there was a French food truck from CA making a stop and being filmed for the Food Network. So I sampled some escargot in a puff pastry. It was delicious! So now I want to go snail hunting and cook my own! Here's an article about just that. And another one from Mother Earth News that even has a bit about making your own earthworm patties. I think I'm ok sticking to hamburgers.


6. decided I want to visit Marfa, TX. It's 7.5 hours away from Ft. Worth though. I need to recruit some friends to go with me!

7. got angry with people I know for various reasons. How do you get over being angry? Maybe just try to forgive and forget and distract yourself?

8. read John Kelso's (of the Austin American Statesman) book "Texas Curiosities" and got some ideas for places I want to see this summer. The book was pretty entertaining and funny. So I wrote him a fan email and he responded! I felt special. :) Here a link to some of his articles.

9. am thinking of and praying for a family I went to church with in Round Rock when I was in high school. The youngest son, just 20, was driving through east Texas a few days ago and somehow ran off the road and into a tree and was killed. My heart hurts for Ethan's parents and 2 brothers.

Oh Happy Day!

I went to a huge job fair today...maybe something will come of it! Afterwards I drove to the Goodwill in Irving to treat myself, and I bought some fun stuff but I can't show you yet. Be patient my little chickens! I also visited the antique mall that is unfortunately located practically in my neighborhood. I have found many things I want like an old typewriter:


a beautiful snakeskin clutch that looks kind of like this one:


and a Mexican tooled leather travel bag kind of like this one:


I have thought about whether it's ok for me to like snakeskin and leather, and I have determined that if the item is vintage I feel much less guilty...am I a bad person? :(

My brother loaned me the book "How Not to Write a Novel" by Mittelmark and Newman. They write little scenes that they say exemplify the mistakes that bad writers make. One is using big words that they themselves don't really understand. The book can help with this problem! "A Test: Do I Know This Word? Ask yourself: 'Do I know this word?' If the answer is no, then you do not know it." Snarky little comments are sprinkled throughout which made this an informative and a funny read.

I had a nice chat with my roommate the other day about serial killers and depression (fun happy times!) and we wound up agreeing that Philippians 4:8 has it right: "Finally brothers, whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable—if anything is excellent or praiseworthy—think about such things." I am intrigued by people and what motivates them, especially when they do crazy, evil, or just dumb things. That is why I sometimes find myself glued to the tv for a couple of hours watching the Kardashians, the Jersey Shore shenanigans, or true crime stories (BTK Killer). It's fascinating stuff, but it totally brings me down, or scares me and really, there's no reason to pour that stuff into my head. Although I will let myself watch Law and Order every now and then!

I discovered the joys of Flickr recently and I anticipate spending many an hour discovering beautiful photos like this one from Rui Palha


And in the spirit of keeping things random, here's an article about me, actually. Ha!

May God be with you friends!

Looking forward

I don't feel good so I'm watching Harry Potter and eating cosmic brownies to cheer myself up. I'm down about how hard it is to connect to people sometimes-it seems like everyone is so busy, or that people come in and out of my life without much staying power. It seems easier to retreat to world of books and music and movies and acquiring things and my own self promotion. But what is easiest is not always what is best and healthiest. And as I've gotten to know myself better I've realized that some people just don't need as much togetherness to feel close and connected as I do, and that I shouldn't be angry with them or think they don't care about me. That is what has happened in the past, and I'm tired of the same old song and dance.

On a lighter note, I'm excited about a creative endeavor I'm trying out this Tuesday. If anything good comes of it I'll post about it.I also enjoyed browsing around the mall today-I almost bought some glittery shoes at Forever 21 and thought better of it.

The older I get the more I realize that in some ways I'm still very much like the kid I used to be. I still love reading and biking and cats and trees, dress up, singing and weird little crafts (I used to make hair bows and Sculpey jewelry). I'm still kind of shy and too sensitive and I love swingsets and bubble baths. But it's also nice to know that I've changed for the better in many ways. I feel better about myself the older I get, and more hopeful about the future. I've even stopped worrying so much about being single. I'd rather be single than with someone who doesn't "get" me or who I don't really respect or enjoy. I moved from my hometown at 16 and was terrified, but now I'm happy we moved. I went to a college where I didn't feel I fit in, but I learned a lot about myself and other people (I learned the hard way about a lot of things) and made some meaningful friendships. I find myself at 27 still yet to have a "career" or significant other, but I'm getting closer and closer to being the person I want to be and I find that I'm less anxious and cynical at 27 than I was at 17. I like to think that my best years are ahead of me.

And on a totally different note-here are some things that I've enjoyed looking at recently:

Colorado Bend State Park- I want to go!


kayaking on Town Lake-good memories


I think these shoes are fantastic!


I heard the song "Our House" a long time ago and just recently learned that Graham Nash wrote it for Joni Mitchell when they lived in Laurel Canyon. I really like this book...

I love my new banner

I have to say thanks to Moorea Seal at the Rumination Reading Room for making me an AWESOME banner!!! You should have her make you one too! Or just check out her blog for fun, creative ideas.

Random fun things

Here are some things I've been enjoying lately:

I love the song "Jolene," both Dolly Parton and Jack White's cover

Horsefeathers is music to be excited about...

I think I have a thing for Kristen Stewart...or maybe it's just this aesthetic. Can't wait to see "The Runaways."

Here are some things I've been admiring that I would buy if I had extra money lying around:
These shoes...


...and a top hat

Things I've enjoyed recently:


I love these chairs...so Alice and Wonderland!


Jeff Bridges makes me laugh, from the Big Lebowski to the hippie man in "The Men Who Stare At Goats." I hope that my husband someday is this kind of crazy hippie.

This woman's art is so intriguing!

Listening to podcasts of NPR's "All Songs Considered" makes me laugh and introduces me to great new music.


I've been reading this book this week and I want to take to heart the idea that I can let go of people who don't make me feel good about myself. To quote the author Gail Blanke: "I'm going to throw out thinking that if somebody doesn't like me, it's my fault. I'm going to let go of thinking that I have to please everyone all the time-or else I'm not good enough..."



I took an impromptu walk in my neighborhood in flip-flops and wound up getting caught in the rain. I walked home barefoot and got soaked but it was really relaxing. All my accumulated frustration from that evening seemed to drip away. I miss playing in the rain when I was a kid. After a good rain was the best time to dig for earthworms under the moss in the backyard or go down to the ditch and play in the water-moccasin infested water!

I should be in bed, but I've spent the last 2 hours on the internet...and yes, half that time was spent looking at funny/cute youtube videos of cats and babies like this one. and this one.

I went to a good concert last night: Camera Obscura. Aside from all the cigarette smoke it was a good time...I liked the venue: Hailey's in Denton. I like smaller places like this...when the band walked off stage they were close enough to reach out and touch, which is cool cause how many times are you close enough to someone famous that you get to see that they are just people too, out there doing their thing. There wasn't anything really flashy about them-just easy to listen to music and a lead singer with a good voice and good fashion sense. My friend Jason and I had fun mocking people's outfits as well. All in all $10 well spent.

I've also been intrigued by "What White People Like" I don't quite know what to think about it. It's kind of funny and kind of annoying at the same time.

Lately I've been thankful for: doughnuts, living in Ft. Worth, visiting Austin-staying with one friend and having dinner with another, the library, music videos, homemade meatballs and the roommate who made them, spring weather, my dependable car, having a lawn to mow, and being able to talk to God every now and then. I have so much to be thankful for.

Sunny Wednesday

I took a walk today. I saw yellow daffodils, fruit trees in bloom, and I crushed acorns under my feet. Thirty yards ahead of me an old man walked his dog. The dog's walk was a strange, dance-like sashay that made me laugh the whole way home.

I feel lonely, but with the weather so beautiful, I don't mind as much. I've been reading a lot, as usual, and watching movies and listening to music, and though I really love doing all these things I wish I had more adventure in my real life and more people to share it with. The most exciting thing I do weekly is go to Denton to hang out with a friend, or write practice lesson plans. I can't wait until I have enough money to travel, but until then, books are the next best thing. Any ideas on how to drag some drama into my life? A guy would help, I know...or maybe I could take up a new hobby, like tap-dancing. That seems fun. Or hang-gliding. Or I could take up shrooms or something. Speaking of, I borrowed a friend's classroom management book and it had a whole section in there about drugs and their nicknames and such, presumably so I as a teacher can know when my dastardly students are trying to speak drug lingo in front of me, or whether they show signs and symptoms of a drug habit. I have to say, I learned a lot that I didn't know from that section. I feel much more worldly now.

I finished "The Old Patagonian Express" by Paul Theroux. It was not quite as fun as his first book; I think the most interesting part is when he meets Jorge Luis Borges, the famous Argentinian writer. On a lighter note, I watched "Fantastic Mr. Fox" yesterday and I loved it! And I saw a trailer for a movie coming out called "Pray Eat Love" that is based on the book of the same name by Elizabeth Gilbert that was wonderful! I also decided that Passion Pit and Neon Indian are my favorite bands on my ipod right now...that and "Wait Wait Don't Tell Me." I had forgotten how much i like that show. I just have to take it in small doses.

I'm off to the living room to watch "Coco Before Chanel" and maybe work on my depressing short story. If I like it at all I'll post it here where all my many readers (haha) can read it.

Spent the weekend in Lampasas and Austin shopping with my aunt. Drove back yesterday listening to the Rolling Stones, Dave Rawlings, Allman Brothers, and Ryan Bingham....the gray clouds to my north looked like mountains. It was almost like being in Denver.

I gave a nice lady a ride today. She is Burmese but lived in Thailiand for 12 years. She and her husband both clean offices for a living and they have 2 children. She invited me into her apartment-a government funded duplex that was surprisingly clean and well-maintained. I am glad she and her husband both have jobs-maybe they can even find something better in time. They have only been here in the US for 2 years.

Started another Paul Theroux book-"The Old Patagonian Express," about his travels from Boston to Patagonia by train. Kind of interesting, but also depressing. It makes me happy to be home instead of my butt going numb on a smelly train.

I am going to be going to job fairs soon to look for a teaching job! Fingers crossed!

I watched "Julie and Julia" over the weekend (the book was much better) and it gave me an idea to do something day by day that I could write about. Maybe what I do best...reading? So I took a list of all the Pulitzer Prize winners to Half-Price Books and look around to see if any of them sounded interesting. I couldn't find most of them, ( I really wanted South Pacific by Michener and Lonesome Dove by McMurtry) but I did buy a book of Eudora Welty's short stories and N. Scott Momaday's "House Made of Dawn." The Pulitzer Prize winners overall may be too boring for me to read. But if I read about one a week I could finish in a year. I just don't know that I really care that much to read them all.

I saw a book the other day that seems intriguing...."The Know It All" by A. J. Jacobs. He is the editor of Esquire and an NPR contributor. His book is supposed to a funny, insightful account of his experience of reading all 32 volumes of the Encyclopaedia Britannica in a year. Umm, a bit nerdy? Yes. Fun? Hell yes.

Can't wait for a slew of fantasy movies to come out! "How to Tame Your Dragon," a new version of Robin Hood, and "Clash of the Titans." I'm like a 14 year old boy in a woman's body!

:)

I have neglected my blog....I've missed it. Here's what I've been up to mainly:
1. new job hunting-yay! I need a change
2. reading: Paul Theroux's travel book "The Great Railway Bazaar" (loved it!), 1850's British mystery novel "The Moonstone" (kind of tedious), currently reading a steampunk novel "The Court of the Air" (seems good so far)
3. seeing friends (I had Nepali food at my brother's house last Friday and laughed harder than I have in a long time), dinner and Academy Awards watching on Sun. night (I now can't wait to see "The Secret of Kells"), had a friend over tonight and ate broccoli cheese casserole and watched "Jane Eyre"

I feel like I have so much to be thankful for lately!
Including...
1. finding out that some medical bills I had are no longer owed! That was a great relief to me and very unexpected!
2. people who make me laugh and feel better-my roommates, my brother, another friend in particualar....really everyone I interact with (including on facebook)
3. the bookstore (where I go to relax and be around people. The people at the Starbucks counter now know my face :)

Things I'm looking forward to:
1. Fantastic Mr. Fox coming out on video
2. The Secret of Kells coming out in the theater
3. going hiking next week with some friends

The End

Abandoned theme park

Here are a couple more pics of the theme park I stopped at. It was kind of strange and surreal. We had a lot of snow today...I think my roommate actually took her snowboard and tried to slide down some hills. Sensible me, however stayed inside to keep my feet dry. I may play in the snow tomorrow. Since I like lists, here's one for you:

What I did today:

1. compiled stuff to do taxes

2. took pics of my new hair-do (conceited huh? It's for posterity's sake)

3. read more of "The Last Olympian"

4. looked up music videos of Joanna Newsom on youtube

5. thought about joining the Air Force

6. rented "Nick and Norah's Infinite Playlist" and "Last Chance Harvey"

(I liked the first one and I love Emma Thompsona and Dustin Hoffman so I have high hopes for the second one)

7. enjoyed a yummy late lunch at Panera Bread with my friend Ron

If you're one for praying, I'll be selfish and ask that you pray for me to not feel so lonely. I know I need to get out there and find more friends but I don't know exactly how to do that yet and I wind up sitting here feeling sorry for myself, which is not conducive to a healthy mental state! I guess some of it just takes time to find people you connect with and feel comfortable being with. Thanks...

More good books

I promised a few more books I've recently enjoyed and here they are. If you can't tell I really just wanted to see if I could put a picture on here cause I haven't done it before.
Today was a sucky day. I'm trying to learn to not be so nice and just say things as they are. Growing up I wasn't allowed to get angry but you know emotions come out in bad ways if you don't let them out...BOOM!
That's enough psychbabble. If you want to see some beautiful pretty things check out the blogs I subscribe to-they get my full endorsement for being inspirational and may inspire long making-things sessions. You thought I was gonna say something else didn't you?

Ok, here's one more picture from an abandoned East Texas theme park that I stopped at a couple of years ago. There were some awesome things there, I wish I could remember where it was to go back!

I can't sleep...listening to Kaki King...her music is so soothing.

Here is another list, this time of books that have been interesting, important or comforting to me over the last 2-3 years:

1. Go Tell it on the Mountain by James Baldwin
2. The Poisonwood Bible by Barbara Kingsolver
3. Some Thoughts on Faith by Anne Lamott
4. Surprised by Joy by C.S. Lewis
5. Ceremony by Leslie Marmon Silko
5. Julie and Julia by Julie Powell
6. Beloved by Toni Morrison
7. Arabian Nights and Days by Naguib Mahfouz
8. Jane Eyre by Charlotte Bronte
9. Watership Down by Richard Adams
10. The Long Walk by Slavomir Rawicz

I'll post more as I think of them...

Mistakes

"The more open and forgiving you are with regard to your missteps, the less likely you'll feel doomed or defined by them."
-Terry Trespicio, "The Magic of Mistakes"

I am really trying to take this idea to heart today.

Here are some things I'm thankful for today:

1. Madeliene L'Engle's thoughts on God and life in her Crosswicks Journal-a kindred spirit
2. the beautiful white and purple flowers sitting on my desk thanks to my roommates
3. "Wicked" the book-very well written
4. Joanna Newsom's beautiful harp music and creative lyrics
5. vegan food-yum
6. pretty new bra-yay

Things I've prayed for today:

1. Mr. Gustafsson-he's lonely
2. a friend I'm concerned about
3. myself-for strength and hope
4. the hurting people in Haiti

Can you tell I love lists? As one of the kids at work would say....delicious lists! (He says delicious before everything)

I hope everyone is doing great...

WH Auden

WH Auden recommends that you do this:

"O plunge your hands in water
Plunge them in up to the wrist,
Stare stare in the basin
And wonder what you've missed."

I like kind of cryptic poems and lyrics sometimes, and hopefully that isn't pretentious. This somehow spoke to me. Today was an ok day. I went to work like a good girl and tonight I plan to hang out with my roommates and make nut and cranberry muffins and maybe watch Grey Gardens. It's a documentary from 1975 about some of Jacqueline Kennedy's relatives who live in this decaying mansion in the Hamptons. Kind of weird but weird is what I go for. I got lots of hugs today from kids so the day can't be all bad, right? I just try to remind myself that this job is a stepping stone to something better-being a teacher with my own classroom. Hope everyone is doing well....