I don't know if what I'm feeling is unusual or not...I have the sense that I am not really connected to anyone a lot of the time, not because I don't have friends, but because they are far away and living different lives that don't involve me much anymore. I went to a bar for a drink tonight and read the paper and just enjoyed being around people. I chatted with the guy beside me, who had the most beautiful long black hair. It was nice to talk to him and the bartender and just feel like someone was interested in me in a friendly way. It seems like the older I get the harder it is to meet new people I feel I have much in common with, much less people who have time for new friendships. It's disappointing too to be reminded every day that I live with my parents that I don't share many of their values or interests. I'm not really bitter so much as just tired. Tired of reading books and living vicariously through films and taking myself to the movies. Some days I don't mind, or I pretend not to, but lately I do. I wind up doing weird things that help distract me-like doodling on my thighs, or writing rambling story lines for stories I don't really care about writing right now. I think about how I'm a sexual being and how sometimes I just want to touch and kiss a guy, not just any guy, but a guy whose mind I am interested in as much as his body. I try to make up songs as I drive, or drive down streets I've never been down and sometimes it helps. I imagine what life would be like if I had gone to a different college, had a different major, had learned sooner how to stop worrying about what people I don't even like think of me. I just know life isn't meant to be lived alone but I don't know what to do differently.

venting

Well crap...It's 3 in the morning and I want to go to sleep but I can't. I've been making a long to-do list of things I need to be doing and it's kind of overwhelming.

I'm glad that I'm not angry like I used to be...I feel much more relaxed and at peace with myself, even though there are plenty of things that still make me mad and sad about in the world, like all the narrow minded bigots I read about in the news who seem terrified that America is going to hell in a hand basket because of immigrants and Obama. I know that some of them are malicious bullies but alot of them are probably just ignorant and react to things out of fear. Which seems pretty sad to me. IF only people were better educated? I don't know if that would help or not-some people seem pretty smart and well educated but are still mean, selfish jackasses.

I feel kind of ok about being here in Comanche for now...Things are just pretty easy-I have things to keep me busy and things I'm working towards, (like getting a freaking job) but I also feel like I'm kind of ignoring some things I need to think about like whether to go back to school, or whether to get more serious about writing. I used to feel pretty ambitious, but now I just feel like being a happy and productive member of society is enough. I don't have to be published or feel like I'm the smartest or the prettiest or whatever. It feels good to know that I don't have to be perfect and that it isn't my job to solve all the world's problems. For a recovering perfectionist like me, that is progress I think. I just want to stay near that fine line between contentment and complacency. I don't want to be lazy. I just want to make small choices everyday that help make things better for myself, the people I live near and the world as a whole, and hopefully if everyone does that, more good things than bad will happen.

Anyway....
this is a very personal blog post and it's weird because I don't know if anyone reads it or what random people might, but somehow it feels good to write knowing that someone COULD read it. I just feel the need to vent or throw up all over the page so to speak, to feel better. It feels good sometimes.... :)

THings I've been loving lately:
-Organizing my parents' kitchen so I can find stuff and cook more, and looking up recipes I want to make. Food makes me happy-the colors, the smells, the sensual aspect of cooking and presentation and eating...it's so satisfying. I love the movie Chocolat and the book Like Water for Chocolate because of the way they present food.
-FInding pretty new clothes on sale...I love color and texture and the way a new shirt can make me feel pretty and sometimes that makes even a mundane day better for me...if I feel attractive and put together with not too much effort. I don't know if everyone needs that or mainly women or what, but it helps me a lot.
-I've been making an actual list of things I'd love to do someday...some of the things I can't do right now because I don't have the time, money or opportunity, but it's nice to think that someday I will be able to. Things like take a horse for a full gallop, and learn some French and Vietnamese and relearn all the Spanish I've forgotten. I want to shoot a pistol, build some of my own furniture, learn to fly a small plane, finally learn to dive gracefully, run at least a half marathon, improve my tennis and golf skills and my sewing, knitting, painting and writing, and maybe start playing the piano again. I want to have a flower and vegetable garden, and cook using more natural foods. I feel like there are so many things I want to get better at, and I don't have nearly enough time or money to invest in all these things. Oh well. I guess that is part of the fun of getting older...
-books that let me travel to other places since I can't really afford to actually go on any trips right now. I'm thankful for movies and books and music that let me learn about other cultures and places that someday I will visit.
-my cat, (even though she tried to pee on my bed) mainly because she snuggles with me in bed and that is really nice. It's not quite as good as snuggling with a person, but having an affectionate cat like Kiera to pet is great!
-A change of scenery does wonders for me when I'm having a bad day...I went to Stephenville the other night and got a latte, found some soft pretty shirts on sale, and browsed magazines at Hastings. I also thought about slipping this explicit erotica book in with the large print books because it cracked me up to imagine a little old lady finding it and skimming through it.
For a night by myself, it was a fun one.