I don't know if what I'm feeling is unusual or not...I have the sense that I am not really connected to anyone a lot of the time, not because I don't have friends, but because they are far away and living different lives that don't involve me much anymore. I went to a bar for a drink tonight and read the paper and just enjoyed being around people. I chatted with the guy beside me, who had the most beautiful long black hair. It was nice to talk to him and the bartender and just feel like someone was interested in me in a friendly way. It seems like the older I get the harder it is to meet new people I feel I have much in common with, much less people who have time for new friendships. It's disappointing too to be reminded every day that I live with my parents that I don't share many of their values or interests. I'm not really bitter so much as just tired. Tired of reading books and living vicariously through films and taking myself to the movies. Some days I don't mind, or I pretend not to, but lately I do. I wind up doing weird things that help distract me-like doodling on my thighs, or writing rambling story lines for stories I don't really care about writing right now. I think about how I'm a sexual being and how sometimes I just want to touch and kiss a guy, not just any guy, but a guy whose mind I am interested in as much as his body. I try to make up songs as I drive, or drive down streets I've never been down and sometimes it helps. I imagine what life would be like if I had gone to a different college, had a different major, had learned sooner how to stop worrying about what people I don't even like think of me. I just know life isn't meant to be lived alone but I don't know what to do differently.

venting

Well crap...It's 3 in the morning and I want to go to sleep but I can't. I've been making a long to-do list of things I need to be doing and it's kind of overwhelming.

I'm glad that I'm not angry like I used to be...I feel much more relaxed and at peace with myself, even though there are plenty of things that still make me mad and sad about in the world, like all the narrow minded bigots I read about in the news who seem terrified that America is going to hell in a hand basket because of immigrants and Obama. I know that some of them are malicious bullies but alot of them are probably just ignorant and react to things out of fear. Which seems pretty sad to me. IF only people were better educated? I don't know if that would help or not-some people seem pretty smart and well educated but are still mean, selfish jackasses.

I feel kind of ok about being here in Comanche for now...Things are just pretty easy-I have things to keep me busy and things I'm working towards, (like getting a freaking job) but I also feel like I'm kind of ignoring some things I need to think about like whether to go back to school, or whether to get more serious about writing. I used to feel pretty ambitious, but now I just feel like being a happy and productive member of society is enough. I don't have to be published or feel like I'm the smartest or the prettiest or whatever. It feels good to know that I don't have to be perfect and that it isn't my job to solve all the world's problems. For a recovering perfectionist like me, that is progress I think. I just want to stay near that fine line between contentment and complacency. I don't want to be lazy. I just want to make small choices everyday that help make things better for myself, the people I live near and the world as a whole, and hopefully if everyone does that, more good things than bad will happen.

Anyway....
this is a very personal blog post and it's weird because I don't know if anyone reads it or what random people might, but somehow it feels good to write knowing that someone COULD read it. I just feel the need to vent or throw up all over the page so to speak, to feel better. It feels good sometimes.... :)

THings I've been loving lately:
-Organizing my parents' kitchen so I can find stuff and cook more, and looking up recipes I want to make. Food makes me happy-the colors, the smells, the sensual aspect of cooking and presentation and eating...it's so satisfying. I love the movie Chocolat and the book Like Water for Chocolate because of the way they present food.
-FInding pretty new clothes on sale...I love color and texture and the way a new shirt can make me feel pretty and sometimes that makes even a mundane day better for me...if I feel attractive and put together with not too much effort. I don't know if everyone needs that or mainly women or what, but it helps me a lot.
-I've been making an actual list of things I'd love to do someday...some of the things I can't do right now because I don't have the time, money or opportunity, but it's nice to think that someday I will be able to. Things like take a horse for a full gallop, and learn some French and Vietnamese and relearn all the Spanish I've forgotten. I want to shoot a pistol, build some of my own furniture, learn to fly a small plane, finally learn to dive gracefully, run at least a half marathon, improve my tennis and golf skills and my sewing, knitting, painting and writing, and maybe start playing the piano again. I want to have a flower and vegetable garden, and cook using more natural foods. I feel like there are so many things I want to get better at, and I don't have nearly enough time or money to invest in all these things. Oh well. I guess that is part of the fun of getting older...
-books that let me travel to other places since I can't really afford to actually go on any trips right now. I'm thankful for movies and books and music that let me learn about other cultures and places that someday I will visit.
-my cat, (even though she tried to pee on my bed) mainly because she snuggles with me in bed and that is really nice. It's not quite as good as snuggling with a person, but having an affectionate cat like Kiera to pet is great!
-A change of scenery does wonders for me when I'm having a bad day...I went to Stephenville the other night and got a latte, found some soft pretty shirts on sale, and browsed magazines at Hastings. I also thought about slipping this explicit erotica book in with the large print books because it cracked me up to imagine a little old lady finding it and skimming through it.
For a night by myself, it was a fun one.

Here are some things I've been thinking about lately:
-Mickey Rourke 's persona in Iron Man and The Expendables. I can't decide if he's a actually a good actor, but I sure like his face. He seems so cool with his pipe and tattoos and little glasses.
-I've been wondering if most people's thoughts are somewhat structured or just totally random....Do you have to practice to get a more organized mind? And does everyone get creative thoughts when they lay down at night? It seems like as I lay trying to go to sleep is when I have all these thoughts of things I want to do or write or think about or weird little phrases I think are clever.
-Is art just an expression of neurosis? I heard one artist say that and I still wonder about that. I guess people have different reasons for why they paint or make music or act or whatever. It just seems like as a culture since we have more time for leisure we will naturally have more art and music and it gets complicated (to me) to figure out whether to spend energy taking in/enjoying the things other people have created or spending more time trying to create things myself.

And here are some good things I've been enjoying that you might like too:
-Martin Puryear's art
-new Futurama episodes online
-This kind of High Fructose isn't bad for you.
-Julie Morstad's drawings
-"The Girl who kicked the hornet's nest" It's not one of my all time favorites, but these books have been pretty interesting so far.
-Window shopping
-This site, Artessen, that has lots of pretty pictures

Thanks for reading and if I could reach through the computer I'd give you a grilled cheese sandwich, a glass of iced tea and a hug, just because. Aww.

While August yet wears her golden crown

It's probably the hottest month here in Texas and it's the time of year I start to look forward to fall days that are crisp and cool.

Here are some things I've been thinking about/enjoying:
1. Recycling. I've been organizing my parents' house for them while I'm job hunting, and there is a pile of stuff I need to get rid of, but I don't want to just throw away. I had to hunt around on the internet to find out how to recycle some stuff, so I thought I'd share what I found.
Earth911, Consumer Recycling Guide, and the TX Commission on Environmental Quality were all good sites that you can get more info about how to recycle lots of stuff. You can take lots of stuff to Goodwill of course but they want things that are in working order and just throw away stuff that isn't working. Things that don't work can be recycled too though. I called a vacuum repair shop to ask if they wanted my old non-working vacuum for parts and he said to bring it by. You can drop off lots of old electronics at repair shops or even Best Buy. Home Depot takes old flourescent bulbs. The only thing I couldn't figure out how to recycle was an old porcelain toilet my parents replaced. My Dad wanted to use it as a planter but I said no!

2. I went to see "The Expendables" and I enjoyed it. It had some dumb lines, but it was action packed and had Jason Statham kicking bad guy butt so it was fun. I also went to see "The Other Guys" with Will Ferrell and I think I laughed a lot but it kind of wore me out. It was manic humor and that gets old. I would like to read more about humor and why certain things are funny to certain people. It just seems like what we laugh at is a reflection of ourselves and who we will like to hang out with. On random dates I've been on, or in friendships, I've noticed that if I have a really different sense of humor than the other person, we just don't connect as well. I don't know if it's fair to judge like this, but I think you can tell a lot about someone by what they laugh at, and movies can be a big part of that. If you can laugh at a lot of the same things, friendships are so much easier!
3. I've been reading a great book that I found randomly at Half Price Books. It's "Gentlemen of the Road" by Michael Chabon. If you like adventure and swashbuckling, you'll probably like this.
4. Did anyone see that new Levi's commercial? You can find it and some thoughts about it here.
5. I can't wait for my brain to see some action! I want to take basic accounting, chemistry, Spanish, and metal working but I guess I need a job first so I can pay for it all. :(

Take it easy friends.

Summertime and the living is easy

Things I've enjoyed/thought about lately:

1. Went to see "Inception" a few days ago-not THE best movie ever, but still fun to try to figure out and good acting. I like Ellen Page and can't wait to see more from her.
2. "Despicable Me"-my friend Chris and I saw this and laughed out loud so much it was kind of tiring. It was kind of short on character development but all in all it's a very fun movie. It's kind of like eating a big cupcake with lots of frosting-it's nice when you enjoy it in moderation.
3. a pretty new purse, paid for with my reward money from work.
4. a soft new towel! It's light blue and fluffy like a cloud. :)
Sometimes I worry that I like stuff too much. I think about what I would do if I lost everything in a fire or had to sell all my stuff and it makes me sad, which is kind of sad in itself. But should we try to deny our desire for things that appease/appeal to the senses? I don't necessarily think so. I tend to think that we should just show restraint in those desires. But I guess there is a difference between appreciating "stuff" and being so focused on acquiring things that we ignore other things that need our energy and attention more. Maybe that is easier for some people than others.
5. I saw a trailer for "The Social Network" with Jesse Eisenberg. I really like that guy. I also loved the choice of song for the trailer: "Creep" sung by a Scala, this Swedish? choir. Good stuff.
7. Through Youtube I found this violinist named Paul Dateh,.. I like this hip-hop violin sound.
8. I like my parents. I like that my mom knows all the ladies in her office's birthdays and that my dad knows the names of constellations in the sky, and that they notice things like what plants are in bloom around town. I like that they consider seeing a hawk or an owl an interesting occurrence worth sharing with me and that they bring me watermelon and peaches as gifts. I'm just thankful for them.
9. I'm about to re-read Rich Mullin's biography. Knowing that people like him have been/are in the world comforts me.
10. I'm thankful for summer! I'll end this post by sharing this quote about summer from John Lubbock: "Rest is not idleness, and to lie sometimes on the grass on a summer day listening to the murmur of water, or watching the clouds float across the sky, is hardly a waste of time."
Here are some more summer quotes for you to peruse.

Things I've liked lately:

-The Simpsons-I can relate to Marge and Lisa and Ms. Crabapple and yes, the cat lady. And sometimes Grandpa Simpson. Haha.
-Willa Cather's "Death Comes for the Archbishop"-I love most literature set in the southwest and Cather is lyrical without being pretentious. And I like stories about good priests, maybe because I admire their stoicism and ascetic lifestyle.
-Lev Grossman's "The Magicians"-If you ever wish that magic was real and that you could really find your way to Narnia you'll like this book. I don't know the next book in the series is out yet but I want to get it.
-KXT 91.7 for letting me hear good good music from old and new artists alike. I love hearing new voices and ideas and songs that aren't dumb or crude or totally cliche.
-Psychology Today-for being interesting and positive
-action movies!!! They make me hyper!
-the movie theater-it's like church for me...I love the whole experience of going-the anticipation, the dark theater, the total break from reality, the emotional reaction to the story...
-reading about my great aunt's son's wildlife center in Arkansas...He "rehabilitates" animals to be released back into the wild and he is a trained falconer and honorary member of some Indian tribe because he rehabed one of their bald eagles...he just seems like a real-life Grizzly Adams and I want to go visit his "zoo" and see his animals....
-realizing all the time that I'm thankful to be alive and to be learning and growing everyday.

Do you ever wish you could wear about half a dozen different hats instead of having just one career? If I had endless resources of money and time and energy I would like to: get a degree in environmental studies/ecology/resource management, attend the Iowa Writer's Workshop, own my own little boutique, be an artisan and learn to weave and do metal work, etc. etc.

hi again

I've missed you, blogging friends, and I've missed having a little space to do what I enjoy doing-writing, thinking, and sharing good things.
My only excuse is that I was lured away by the games at the AARP website, and by the free episodes of all 20 seasons of the Simpsons online. :) Oh Simpsons, I enjoy your donut-fueled antics and memorable quotes!


On a more serious note-sometimes I get frustrated because it seems like many things worth having are in short supply-friendships, creative opportunities, a job that pays decently, etc... I can easily slip into a negative mode of thinking that these are things I have to compete with other people for, and I don't want to live like that. If God sees "every sparrow" that falls, then surely I can trust that what I need will be provided at the right time. Sometimes I get worried or jealous or angry that I don't have something that someone else does, but I want to practice letting go of that fear and anger and replace it with the knowledge that God has already blessed me in many ways, and that there is no need to fear that I'm being shortchanged. This is starting to sound like "Chicken Soup for the Soul." Haha. I'm just grateful that my overall outlook is much better than it was even 4 months ago. It's horrible to feel depressed and anxious and despairing and know that a lot of it is your own fault, but not know how to get out of it, and it's wonderful to be able to look back and see how much better I feel now, and feel grateful for that.

Here are some things I've been enjoying lately:

1. eating my roommate's animal crackers in bed.
2. playing mah jong and spider solitaire and boggle online
3. the onion and squash stir fry I ate for dinner
4. mowing the lawn
5. lolcats because I don't have cats of my own to moon over
6. going to see 2 movies back to back one night by myself-it was like a mini-vacation (Iron Man-with Mickey Rourke as an AWESOME bad guy, and Robert Downey Jr as his usual witty self, and the Prince of Persia with Jake Gyllenhal as eye candy)
7. new shampoo and body wash that smell great and have no sulfates
8. discovering new crafts that use old plastic bottles
9. talking to my mom on our lunch breaks
10. working at the mall and getting to be around a lot of people
11. thinking about getting a violin, and making a list of songs I want to learn to play
12. knowing that not everyone is going to like me/understand me, but also knowing that I am free to let those relationships go so that I can put my energy into relationships with people who DO like me. Sometimes it bothers me (alot!) when people aren't open with me or when they don't make an effort to be friends, but really, I have to accept that instead of trying to change them. That is a huge mistake I've made in the past-expending energy to try to make people be my friends, when that is silly. You can't make someone else DO anything! All you/I can do it accept it, let it go and focus on the people who ARE open to us.
13. realizing that I really like life and that I'd be grateful for the time I've had if I died today
14. 70's classic rock and KXT public radio. Except for the crazy poetry spoken over jazz tunes....there is just no excuse for combining the two.
15. summer blockbusters
16. Rosa's mexican rice and beans
17. how awesome my mom and dad are... my dad can run 2 six minute miles back to back, reads the encyclopedia for fun, and was locked in the Kremlin once. My mom can draw your blood, defends us against rattlesnakes and possums, and can cook anything.
18. summer!!!