The Hourglass

I don't know if what I'm feeling is unusual or not...I have the sense that I am not really connected to anyone a lot of the time, not because I don't have friends, but because they are far away and living different lives that don't involve me much anymore. I went to a bar for a drink tonight and read the paper and just enjoyed being around people. I chatted with the guy beside me, who had the most beautiful long black hair. It was nice to talk to him and the bartender and just feel like someone was interested in me in a friendly way. It seems like the older I get the harder it is to meet new people I feel I have much in common with, much less people who have time for new friendships. It's disappointing too to be reminded every day that I live with my parents that I don't share many of their values or interests. I'm not really bitter so much as just tired. Tired of reading books and living vicariously through films and taking myself to the movies. Some days I don't mind, or I pretend not to, but lately I do. I wind up doing weird things that help distract me-like doodling on my thighs, or writing rambling story lines for stories I don't really care about writing right now. I think about how I'm a sexual being and how sometimes I just want to touch and kiss a guy, not just any guy, but a guy whose mind I am interested in as much as his body. I try to make up songs as I drive, or drive down streets I've never been down and sometimes it helps. I imagine what life would be like if I had gone to a different college, had a different major, had learned sooner how to stop worrying about what people I don't even like think of me. I just know life isn't meant to be lived alone but I don't know what to do differently.